it is like this: you can resist the urge long enough until the need to express yourself is greater than the desire to remain hidden.
there's stuff in this blog that i'm not so proud of. things that i've written that i wish i could take back, wish that i never thought--let alone declared openly to the world, wish that i never did. but although i could simply delete those posts, i feel like all that stupid stuff i did or wrote or believed, that is all me. i am who i am because of everything i have done and lived to bring me to this moment right now. so, as much as i want to hide all those posts, i let them remain where they are. and so they are.
perhaps leaving them there, forcing me to acknowledge their heavy weight is actually a negative thing, an act that serves to shackle me to my guilt and shame. i think about this, especially now as i write this post, but whatever. whatever guilt and shame i've attached to my past is done by me, to me, and i have no one but myself to blame for making these memories burdens instead of simple, neutral events.
at any rate, those choices and the person who made those choices remain firmly in my past. i am not her, and she is not me. she is the reason why i am who i am today, but i am not her, not ever again.