who's the ECL?

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Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm not BAD evil, more like devil's food cake evil.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

reflections on returning to writing

it is like this: you can resist the urge long enough until the need to express yourself is greater than the desire to remain hidden.

there's stuff in this blog that i'm not so proud of. things that i've written that i wish i could take back, wish that i never thought--let alone declared openly to the world, wish that i never did. but although i could simply delete those posts, i feel like all that stupid stuff i did or wrote or believed, that is all me. i am who i am because of everything i have done and lived to bring me to this moment right now. so, as much as i want to hide all those posts, i let them remain where they are. and so they are.

perhaps leaving them there, forcing me to acknowledge their heavy weight is actually a negative thing, an act that serves to shackle me to my guilt and shame. i think about this, especially now as i write this post, but whatever. whatever guilt and shame i've attached to my past is done by me, to me, and i have no one but myself to blame for making these memories burdens instead of simple, neutral events.

at any rate, those choices and the person who made those choices remain firmly in my past. i am not her, and she is not me. she is the reason why i am who i am today, but i am not her, not ever again.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

so last night i sent a text to somebody:

I wish for you healing of your deepest wounds and an easing of your heartache. I wish for you to understand that you are a sweet, kind, smart soul who deserves to be loved and cherished. I wish for you to someday be able to open to someone who wants to give you their love and I wish for you to be able to return it in kind. Most of all I wish your soul peace, dear friend.

and what i added on as i drove home today, because i imagined an imaginary conversation with him, because all i seem to have are imaginary conversations with him:

i could have loved you to the ends of the earth. we could have faced this world together, side by side, hand in hand. we could have been so much. you long for connection and relationship but you are just like your scorpio birth sign; you say that you wear your heart on your sleeve but in truth your heart is locked up deep beneath your hard exterior shell. as i came near looking for a way in, you held me hard in your pinchers and said, "don't move any closer," and as i still looked to move in your tail reared above your head and repeatedly broke my heart.

you need someone who has more courage, more subtlety, and more patience than me. you need someone who can stand being pierced a thousand times by your stinger, who can endure your repeated heartbreaking until there is no more poison left in you, until instead of a cornered scorpion desperately trying to keep safe there is only a tired man asking for love. i am not that girl, but i wish you find her, my lovely Erik, my dear broken man.