who's the ECL?

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Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm not BAD evil, more like devil's food cake evil.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Out and About


poor us. this was our view., originally uploaded by jensteele.

I just spent the last six days of my life in New Mexico at a place called Ghost Ranch. I grew up 10 minutes from the San Francisco Bay nestled up against the hills that led to the Pacific Ocean, so I am not much for altitude. I spent my time at Ghost Ranch huffing and puffing as I walked from the bathroom to my bed, blowing big bloody chunks of stuff out of my nose, and undergoing one of the most personal and professional transformations ever.

It is all so new and raw to me, and the newness that is what I am becoming is still hardening in the sun, so I don't want to speak much of it until I can be solidly myself.

But, wow, the return journey is really hard. Today, I slung my purse over my shoulder and with it came all the old expectations of who I thought I was and what I thought would be okay for me to live with. As I picked up my computer bag I felt another slew of little monsters that used to be what I lived with, trying to pull me back down into the soup of what I was 7 days ago. It just goes on and on--the habitual drive to work where I usually yell at everyone driving poorly around me, the armor of personal expectations I put on when I go to work....

I am truly very blessed to be working in an environment that I played a part in creating, and that the work I do is the work I love, and that my search for my authentic self isn't at odds with the majority of my life. I don't have to hide myself to earn a living; in fact the more I don't, the better for my work.

But wow. Life out there...is that the real world, or was the life I just experienced in the last 6 days what was really real??