who's the ECL?

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Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm not BAD evil, more like devil's food cake evil.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Questions, No Answers

Remember that post about my issues with being a doula and how I wanted to save women from themselves? Well it has come to my attention that the knife cuts in both directions. These women that I work with that tell me they want a natural birth but are open to the possibility of an epidural--and almost invariably end up with an epidural--these women never truly believed in birth or themselves. They knew I did, so they asked me to believe for them, for their husbands, for the hospital staff, for everybody. Even though they could not do that for themselves.

So really, it was a mutual, contractual agreement. They would hire me, and I would carry the birth and the faith in birth and bodies for them.

So that makes me feel a little better about myself. Of course it doesn't negate my own issues with myself and needing to be needed, but it does makes clear to me why I get involved with such couples.

And really, I've already interviewed with a few couples for 2008, and still that energy persists. So, when I listen to them talk, I start to wonder several things:
  1. If they say they don't want a hospital birth why are they giving birth at a hospital?
  2. If they say they don't want a hospital birth but they are giving birth at a hospital because if anything goes wrong they want to be in the right place--doesn't that imply they expect things to go wrong?
  3. Or does it really imply that they don't trust birth, themselves, and/or their care providers to catch a bad situation before it happens?
  4. Or does it really imply that they are scared shitless of this process and feel helpless?
  5. Why don't they trust in birth?
  6. Why don't they trust in themselves?
  7. Why don't they trust their care providers?
  8. Why do parents who are scared shitless of the process and feel helpess decide to hand over control to their caregivers? Doesn't that simply perpetuate the cycle of helplessness?
  9. What's really at the core, here? What's the underlying belief that has colored all their perceptions of this event?

That's a lot of questions.