when i was in hudson visiting the stinky last week, i watched some footage of the boys performing on stage.
i didn't get to see them play live, unfortunately. half the band was out of town; they won't play a show until july 2.
watching the footage of stinky and the band up on stage was really eye opening for me. he is an amazing man. i watched him, up there, playing his heart out, and i've never seen him look so alive. he was electric, he was fire, he brought the thunder and the lightning down through him. i've never seen anyone play like that before. i've never seen anyone channel so much energy like that before. he's magical, that stinky.
it reminded me of the first time we met--we are an online couple, and so we arranged to meet one sunday afternoon at my clinic. when he opened the door and walked in, he brought all this light and energy into the room with him. it was crazy. and really cool. just like him.
we kissed later that night, in the center of a labyrinth. he was going to get to the center first--i asked him to wait for me and he paused for a moment, got all serious, and said he would wait for me. he watched me from the center where he waited, and when i approached the center where he stood, he smiled at me, held out his hands, and i walked right into his arms. i began to give him my heart right there.
a year later when he told me he was moving to NY, i was crushed. i was devastated. i could only think about what it must mean about us. if i wasn't coming with him, then we must be breaking up. if he didn't ask me to come, he must not care about me that much. i was confused and heartbroken, angry and bewildered. nothing made sense to me. i couldn't reconcile our past with our present, i couldn't reconcile what i felt in my heart with the mental constraints i lived by. nothing was right.
but seeing that footage, seeing him onstage doing what he loves and is called to do, it made everything make sense. i get it now. and someday, when two gun man come to your town, i hope you do, too.
i love him so much. i love him so much that it almost seems to overwhelm me, like i'm not big enough to contain all the love i feel for this child of thunder. our road together may become harder yet as two gun man shop for a label and begin to promote and tour like crazy. there could be very dark times ahead for us. but i know that there is no one else in the world whom i love as i do this man, and that my life is much richer and vivid and magical with him in it. i could live without him, sure, and find a deep love with some other guy somewhere, but i choose him. i choose to stay put, and to let this overwhelming love pour through me and make my heart bigger, more open, more tender. i choose to face this terrifying uncertainty and let it teach me about faith, trust, love, and strength. i choose these things because every cell in body sings to do so, i choose to do it because he deserves no less.
i do it because he is the stinky, the bringer of the thunder and lightning, and i am in love.