who's the ECL?

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Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm not BAD evil, more like devil's food cake evil.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs - WikiHow

I'm saving this experiment for either: a boring rainy afternoon, one of those wierd Portland snow days, or a late night drunken group activity.

When are you going to try this?

How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs - WikiHow

I don't want memories

(man, they are really getting pushy with the switch to beta blogger, aren't they?)

How do you say goodbye when you aren't ready?

I am really good at goodbye when I feel the time has come. When I am ready to be finished with a place, situation, or person, I can say goodbye without a lot of tears and drama and walk away.

But when I'm not feeling finished with a place, situation, or person, it takes me forever to let it go. I can hang onto a memory for freaking ever. I am loyal to a fault. A serious, San Andreas-sized fault.

And I just don't want to let go. At all. I'm holding onto the prow of a ship that is sinking--has sunk really--and I can't bring myself to let go. I don't think I'd rather die than let go, but it all just seems so bleak to me. And that letting go would let everything just become memories. Memories are so easily reworked to seem better or worse, memories become faded and part of the background. Memories aren't real or present and they can't tell me they love me. I don't want memories. I don't want background or past experiences anymore. I don't want to sleep in this big bed with just my cats anymore and I don't want to cry every other day or wake up thinking of the past and I don't want to believe that I should just devote my time and energy to my career because my career won't keep me company when I'm eighty or help me feel less alone in this world. My career is no substitute for anything.

And even though I know I'll someday eventually find somebody else I can walk with hand in hand, my heart mourns the fact that it won't be him. Something bright and shiny, warm and wonderful has been lost, you know? It should have been him.

Why couldn't it have been him?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Happy Turkey Day*

I have to get out of bed and go help out with the cooking cacophany upstairs, but I just wanted to pause and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you are all happy and well fed and warm.

*10 points if you know what this is from!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Walking Your Talk

I attended my last birth of 2006. It was L O N G. The longest birth I've ever been to, but by no means the longest birth ever. This one was 44 hours long.

I did go home and sleep for about 5 hours in the middle of the whole thing and I'm glad. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't get the nap. Found the means to get through it, I suppose.

This birth was fabulous and wonderful and the little one is precious and darling, and this post really isn't about them. Of course, its about me!

I was interviewing with a prospective couple today and as I was talking to them I finally put it together what bugs me so much sometimes:

Childbirth is something so intense and personal and life changing, and every mom tells me that they knew all that intellectually before the birth, but they didn't really get it until they were in it. So, being a doula and a birthing from within mentor, new couples look to me to help them prepare and understand what will be happening during labor. And I know they won't know until they're doing it. And a lot of them know it beforehand too. So how do I do it? How do I help them get something that they just won't get until they're doing it??? And how do you convey that they really won't get it until they're doing it??

And how, in the name of all that is, do you get them to let go of control and fear and embrace walking in the dark?

Sigh. I know the answer. The answer is so simple, and thus so profound. I need to do it, every day, every moment, for myself, in my life. And when I embrace it, when I become it, then these couples will get it, and I will convey exactly what I am struggling to convey.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Souhail Kaspar--Kick Ass Musician and Instructor

Souhail Kaspar doumbek solo

This is a long video--8.21 minutes, but DAMN! Someday, maybe I'll play that well, but that day is way out in the future.

He'll be in Portland this weekend for a series of classes and a performance Saturday night, but I won't be able to attend. Oh well, next time!

Monday, November 13, 2006

history can be a downer

Yesterday while trying to wake up, I watched some OPB thing on the California Gold Rush of 1848-49.

I feel that history is the key to understanding the present.

I also know that history is a lot like statistics--anyone can make any event(or statistic) mean anything they want it to.

And I was watching this documentary about the gold rush and thinking about how there were so many themes that are current to today's world, more than one hundred years later.

Especially the theme of immigrants and non-english speaking people and their rights to a piece of the pie. In 1949, the second year of the gold rush when tons of miners overran the hills of California looking for a quick fix, the white men began to run off the land anyone who wasn't white or spoke english. They even began to kill men who did not leave when confronted.

That's when I turned the TV off.

The year is 2006. More than a century later, and has anything changed??

Monday, November 06, 2006

Coulda Used The Advice 13 Months Ago, Thanks

Highlighted Excerpts From:
Why You Shouldn't Date a Musician by Damian Kulash, (frontman of Ok Go)
(as found on a flickr page, scanned from ElleGirl)

OK Go singer Damian Kulash knows he is an attractive, intelligent young man, but he's warning you not to date him or others of his kind. Read on for the arguments.

Ladies, there are a million well-known reasons why you shouldn't date a musician. We're self-obsessed, flaky, hot-tempered, unreliable, and always broke. We're imperious, impenetrable, impractical, and--let's face it--we ain't usually the cleanest of folk. Nonetheless, you keep falling for us. The only reason I can surmise is this: Our faults get mistaken for virtues in the confusing tumult of love.

Let's say you meet a cute guy: He's a little cocky, but you like confidence in a man. He's a bit scatterbrained, but you think of it as creative. He's manic, but you call it passion. Perhaps he could shampoo more often; you say you like 'em on the wild side. These charitable evolutions are the currency of love--they're how you're supposed to feel when you're falling for someone. But ladies, I'm warning you: You've got to stay away from the musicians.

The real reason we're unlovable has nothing to do with our big mouths or big egos. In fact, it's not a matter of emotional compatibility at all; it's a matter of practicality. We want precisely what you do not. You want a companion; we want to take our guitars and disappear. You want someone to eat meals with; we want to be in a van somewhere between Minneapolis and Seattle, hopped up on the Red Bull and speeding like hell to make it to the club in time. We thrive on endless newness, endless stimulation and endless travel.

The longer you spend with a musician, the more you will understand the discontent at his core. If you are lucky, he will have great success and be swept off into the tempest of the music industry, never to bother you again. Most likely though, you will find your heart tied to someone who is terminally dissatisfied. He will toil endlessly and fruitlessly at song after song, idea after idea, show after show. The only thing that could possibly fulfill him is the same success that would ruin your relationship. And even then, he would want more. Like I said, he wants exactly what you do not.