who's the ECL?

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Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm not BAD evil, more like devil's food cake evil.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

musings on chaos and control

you know how i mentioned way back that birth is chaos? it is unpredictable, you can't control it, there are no guarantees, things can change in an instant, things that you thought never could happen do happen, and the only thing you are in charge of is your mind and what it is thinking about all these events.

for example: childbirth is painful. i mean, if you have not vaginally birthed a child without painkillers, imagine the most pain you can concieve of. and know that childbirth is more than that. so we tell expectant moms, "labor is painful. but you don't have to suffer." and what is the difference between pain and suffering? your mind, my friends. your perceptions.

what is the only thing you can control in childbirth? that's right; your mind, your perceptions.

i am learning that it isn't just birth that is chaotic, LIFE IS CHAOS. and just like birth, the only thing we can control is our mind, and our perceptions about what is going on. that doesn't mean that we are helpless little jellyfish being swept this way and that by the currents of life; it just means that as much as we would like to see life unfold in certain ways, it just might not. and we can view that as failure--but that is just a perception of the situation. like i said, we'll feel pain, but we don't have to suffer.

there is a very fine line between setting our intention/manifesting/praying and trying to control the situation. how many times do we need to set the intention around something before it becomes rigid attempts at control?

this control thing that i keep witnessing--why is it that we try to control our environment, our bodies, our relationship with life? does it makes us feel better, safer, more comfortable? less vulnerable, less like a victim; are we more powerful if we can control things and situations and people? does that make us better than others who can't? does our ability and need to control set us apart from the animals we have so much in common with?

the more that i step into the darkness that is childbirth, the more that i work with people who are also in that darkness--pregnant and support person alike, the more i see all of us trying to control the process and the journey--trying to turn on the lights, so to speak. and really, who are we kidding. and why are we so afraid of the dark?